


Long distance

by Xou



Category: Baccano!
Genre: Anyone remember Mark?, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Crack, I Don't Even Know, I remember Mark, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Prison, This Is STUPID, that was my contribution to the Baccano! fandom bye yall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 11:52:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6004972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xou/pseuds/Xou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s long distance relationship. And then, there’s the whole ''My boyfriend is in prison, but, I mean, we are not really together like this, or maybe are we, I don’t know, it’s complicate, I’m not sure, but I’m not mad about it, but I sure would like some loving, man'' kind of relationship. <br/>Or just many random tips to survive a long distance relationship, or the feels when your partner is a bit of an idiot (yes this count for both set of partner).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long distance

**Author's Note:**

> ... Happy valentine day? Welp.   
>  If you haven't read the Baccano! novels first of all: 1) consider reading them and 2) You will not get a lot of what's referenced in this fict. This is partially inspired from all the ''Don Juan'' talks that Elmer has in 1932: The man in the killer. You know, the line where he call himself a Don Juan. I just ran from there and now it's like that one scene and lots of prison talk.  
> This is just a self-indulgent fict for all my Elmer/Huey feels. Please don't take it seriously. I swear i will write a serious Baccano! fict one day.
> 
> By the way, all the tips in this fict are really tips on how to be in a long-distance relationship! Though, don't apply them like Elmer.  
> Never do anything like Elmer.

 

**Tips number 1 when you are in a long-distance relationship : Set some ground rules to manage your expectations :**  

 

Mark looked over at the man sitting next to him on the pavement. It was surprisingly easy to sit next to this weird man, even though this one had just jumped out of the Brooklyn bridge. The man didn't seem to make a huge deal about it though, he kept a cryptic smile on his lips. Mark frowned a little more and slowly and carefully started to question him: 

''… So you said your name was.... Elmer?'' 

''Yup! Do you think you can tell me your name?'' 

Mark frowned, but didn't answer. Every bones in his body actually tried to resist the urge to run away. He wondered something about the man in front of him. Despite apparently being ''a bit of an immortal'' (just a bit? Really? And how can you be just a bit of an immortal?? Well, the man – this Elmer- rather proved his point well but jumping of the bridge, Mark was still a bit confused about all of this new information to process. And maybe a little bit scared), there was another thing that Elmer said that had him wonder: 

''You also said you were... A passing Don Juan?'' 

''Oh right, I said that, didn't I?...'' 

A grimace of disgust passed on Mark face: 

''Aren't grown up supposed to have a more interesting romantic life...?'' 

''Hey, that's awfully mean now! And what's telling you I don't have a romantic life?'' 

Mark didn't take to heart the comment on him being mean, since the guy in front of him was still smiling, as brightly as ever since this non-sense conversation started. He simply continued to ask questions, keeping a respectable distance between him and Elmer: 

''I don't know. You're the one who said such nonsense. Do you have someone then?...'' 

''I don't know! It's pretty unclear! Not that I'm complaining though!'' 

Mark simply continued to grimace for a moment and quietly got on his feet to run away. He was not sure who was this strange guy, but seeing his airy smile while he answered in such cryptic terms chilled him to the bone (also the fact that he saw the guy die and come back to life right in front of him. That was also a really good reason to be scared). 

But definitely, he could tell that whoever attracted this man affection, they were possibly just as weird. 

Unknowingly to poor Mark, still sitting on the pavement, was still this really strange man, slowly muttering to himself. 

''Right, maybe we should make the terms clearer... Or nah. It's more fun this way!'' 

 

**Tips number 2 : Try to communicate regularly and creatively**  

 

''… I see you're here again, Mister Demon. So what do you want to say this time?'' 

Huey simply looked at the man standing in the middle of his small cell. He had grown accustomed to the demon visit after a while. But it was still only for special occasion, so Huey wondered what did the demon wanted. Had he come because of something or did he simply want to chat? There was a mystery and not even Huey could solve it. 

''Actually,  this time I carry a message from someone else. '' 

That was enough to have Huey interest to a new pike. Well, this was rather unusual… 

'' Oh? And who would know to contact you to transmit a message?'' 

''I think the author of this message should be pretty clear to you once I say it… Well, no matter. Do you care enough to hear me up? '' 

Huey turned a little to properly face one of his oldest acquaintance and nodded slightly to urge him to go on. He could not say he was not surprised by the rather odd demand, but he could not say either that he was not curious about it. Who could hold such a grudge against him or what could be important enough for someone to use a demon to contact him? (or maybe threaten him. That was always a possibility) 

''… I’d like to run barefoot through your hair. '' 

Ah… Of course. There was this possibility too. Huey did expect it, so it was not even on the list of possible things that could come out of the demon mouth. But really, there was only one possible explanation for this. 

''… Is this the first time Elmer asked you to say pick up lines for some poor soul in misery?'' 

The demon in front of him simply had a smile passing on his lips.  

'' Are you actually calling yourself a poor soul in misery? '' 

''Touché. What surprise me more actually is you saying this with such a straight face. '' 

''… I enjoy seeing human being in all of their emotions. Surely, people courting each other are one of my favorite things. '' 

'' Me and Elmer aren’t in love. '' 

'' That’s not the point I was bringing here. Well no matter. Aren’t you going to answer? '' 

Huey smiled and looked at the demon with a mischievous light in his eyes. He already knew what he was going to say. 

'' Actually, yes. May you please transmit that? '' 

''I’m listening to you. '' 

''« Touch my hair and you lose your hand. Or foot, in this case.»'' 

'' … That’s not really romantic. Well, no matter.'' 

 

**Tips number** **3** **: Make visit to each other :**  

 

''Hey, it’s me again!  Happy to see me? Come on, give me a smile,  why don’t you? '' 

'' I have no reason, nor do I have any envy to smile. What exactly bring you here?'' 

Elmer simply shrugged under Huey hard stare. He didn't have any particular reason to visit. But that didn't mean he didn't want to see the other man. 

''Did you like the pick up line?'' 

To that Huey grimaced and it was such a funny expression that Elmer laughed a little. Ah, the other was way too cute... 

''Didn't Ronnie transmit my answer?...'' 

''He did actually! But that's hardly a response at all! That's way too cruel!'' 

''My answer is my answer. Where did you find such a line anyway?'' 

'' Never mind that! I want a real answer!'' 

Elmer continued to insist while tugging on one of Huey long sleeves. The black haired man simply sighed after a moment, before closing his eyes and turning to his oldest friend (well, or something like that...) 

''… Are you free tonight?'' 

To that, Elmer brightened up instantly. 

''Yes, of course!! What for?'' 

But Huey didn't answer. He simply got a little closer to the blond man and looked at him with an hard stare. Elmer could not really see that this scene was erotic, since they were both in a tiny smelly prison cell. But it was probably the closer they could get to something romantic at this point. 

''… You know, I think I have a thing for amputee.''

''Euhm, I'm sorry Huey, but what?'' 

Now, he was just confuse. But still, the look on Huey face hadn't change in the slightest, still watching Elmer with the same cold stare. 

''Because if you don't stop teasing right away, you're seriously loosing a limb.'' 

''See, you're so mean!!... But that was not a rejection. Oh, oh, wasn't it?'' 

''Shut up this instant please.'' 

 

**Tips number** **4** **: Give them a personal** **object so that the** **y** **can hold on to :**  

 

''Hum… What is this?'' 

''Don't you see? That's an eye, since you lost one of yours!!'' 

Huey continued to examiner the eyes that was in his partner palm. No matter how much he looked, there still was a really much human eyes resting in Elmer palm. He continued to look back to the eyes and then Elmer smiling face once again, trying to understand the meaning of such a gift. But knowing full well just how peculiar Elmer brain was, he knew he needed to ask question to get answer: 

''So... Where did you find this...?'' 

''Ah, funny story actually! Oh, but don't worry, I didn't gouge it out of some innocent person eyes, so no one is sad!'' 

''I already knew that, you wouldn’t do that. Did you take it from a dead person then?...'' 

''Well, it is not for me to say if they are alive now…'' 

''… Do I even want to know?'' 

''You don't like my gift?'' 

Huey was about to say that it was not as matter that he liked or disliked it, but Elmer continued talking, a shining smile back on his lips: 

''Cuz, if not, I have other things that could cheer you up! See, I have a button, a tooth, some of Victor love letters, an umbilical cord...'' 

''… It's a wonder they still let you visit prison.'' 

 

**Tips number** **5** **: Give each other pet names :**  

 

''Hey remember the first time you called me a ''Smile Junkie''?'' 

Huey smiled a little at the memory. He perfectly remember that time. It was a much simple time, but not really. The world still was crap back then. But maybe was he a much simpler person? But no, that was false too. He had not became anymore complex. He simply changed. There was a difference. 

''Yes. What of it?'' 

''I don't know. Simply reminiscing about good time?'' 

''... That was when I first understand how much of a nut bag you were. And still is. It's a wonder you're still exactly the same after all this time...'' 

''Remember that I also found you a nickname at the time?'' 

This time, Huey visibly swallowed remembering the ridiculous thing Elmer had come up with.  

''Please don't.'' 

''But Dense bunny fits you so well!! It's so adorable!'' 

''Please don't.'' 

''But bunny!!'' 

''Just don't.'' 

 

**Tips number** **6** **: Talk dirty to each other :**  

 

''Hey, nice legs; at what time do they open?'' 

''… Have you been searching pick up lines again?'' 

Huey somehow expected a sheepish smile from Elmer. But no, as usual, his grin was only shining brightly, as he answer with ease : 

''Yeah, of course! They are funny and make me smile, so I was hoping maybe they could make you smile too!'' 

Only a slight scowl answered him, followed by : 

''I don’t understand why you go through so much trouble for something I will not even enjoy…'' 

''Aww,  come on, bunny, just entertain me alright? I like searching those, so it’s no trouble at all! If I didn’t,  but I was still searching them, then you would stay unhappy, because you don’t like them, but I would be unhappy too, which would make you even more unhappy! But that’s gratefully not the case, those lines makes me smile, and if I’m happy, maybe I hope somehow you be happy too... '' 

To that answer said in perfect honesty and still with the same smile on his partner lips, Huey rolled his eyes and answered, already knowing he would regret this :  

''Alright… Give me your best shot. '' 

'' I promise I won't photograph you in your sleep and sell the pictures more than once!'' 

All that Elmer received after this sentence was an indignant look.  

'' Where did you even found this one? It is not romantic or even dirty in the slightest,  it’s just creepy! Though, I guess if that’s the case, then it fits you like a glove… But when you say ‘’more than once’’, would that mean that you’ve already…?'' 

''It’s not my fault, you’re so adorable in your sleep, I could not help it! I’m sure seeing your beauty could cheer up and bring a smile to any person lips! '' 

Huey sighed and rolled his eyes after being exposed to that logic. Really, Elmer would never change… 

'' I’m gonna give you one last chance to make me smile, you smile Junkie, so you better not waste my time… '' 

'' It’s not like we won’t have all the time in the world, right? Ok! Hey, are you an arsonist? Because when I’m near you, I feel like my heart gonna explode!'' 

'' … Please get out of my cell.'' 

 

**Tips number** **7** **: Stay positive :**  

 

… Don’t forget to smile!! 

 


End file.
